Category Archives: self-worth

Flakiness and paranoia

3197935807_a846d72f5bI am an all or nothing kinda gal. If you’re my friend, I expect you to return my texts/phone calls in a timely manner. Of course, the real world does not always cater to Stephanie’s world, and, of course, sometimes, some people do not always get around to getting back to you.

I am a slightly paranoid person. If somebody does not get back to me immediately, I automatically assume that they hate me. I then start to comb every possible scenario that we were ever in that would make that person hate me sooo much that they would want to 86 me out of their life completely. Such scenarios rarely occur however, because I am a people pleaser, and thus, I go on to invent made-up scenarios or start critiquing my flaws and why I am a bad person and deserving of such unfair treatment. Eventually, the person does get back to me and I am at peace. This is, up until the next time a person does not return my message immediately. It is a vicious cycle.

Deep down, I know I have friends. But it is that little sliver of doubt in the back of my mind that causes me to act all blotto. My greatest fear is that one day nobody will like me anymore. Not even my mother. And so I have dedicated my life to saying yes to everyone, to agreeing to do everything because God forbid I ever upset someone, God forbid I ever say no.

This constant life as a yes man does get me into trouble. There have been many a weekend where I make plans with about 17 different people and then, at the last minute, I have to cancel on 16 of them. I have built a reputation for being flaky. I don’t have innate flakiness, it’s just that all of the ‘yeses’ I throw out during the week end up becoming all of these sudden cancelations on the weekends, thus making me look like a tool. 

And I don’t know how to grow a spine and just say no. It’s that paralyzing fear of loneliness and people being angry with me that causes me to be a human doormat. It is necessary for the entire world to love me. And it sucks…

I Hate Dating

untitledSo, for the first time in quite a few years, I am single. And whether I like it or not, it’s probably going to stay that way for quite awhile.

Last week I made the desperate and pitiful attempt to seek out a rebound. I set my sights very, very low. Low as in he is thirty, still lives with his parents, speaks exactly like Karl Childers character from the movie Sling Blade, and walks like a male pigeon. We had nothing in common except a mutal friend, an unhealthy obsession with zombies, and sore calf muscles.

So, when Mr. You-Are-Suppose-To-Be-My-Rebound-Damnit never called me back and started expressing interest in the mutal friend, my ego deflated like a popped balloon. I then tried to fling myself face first into activity-after-activity with friends, but sometimes 20-somethings are too self-involved to care about a friend in need and thus, I ended up alone in bed with my dog browsing through a self-help book that my mother loaned me.

Anyhow, my question is this: How does one get over a guy quick and efficiently? I’ve been going out almost every day of the week. I got a new haircut, rearranged my apartment, learned how to cook, tried out (and made) the Philly Roller Girl’s Fresh Meat team, but still, after two weeks of trying to keep busy, my heart still hurts. A piece of furniture or a song will remind me of him and immediately, I’ll feel my legs buckle and the water-works turn on. It happened in Target the other day which was really embarrassing.

I think my biggest fear is the loneliness that faces me everytime I enter my apartment. It is too big and too empty. I also don’t want my ex to be thriving without me. It’s hard to imagine him on the other side of the city living a Stephanie-less life and being happy. I understand that the best kind of revenge is to flourish in the wake of the other person. And I am trying to do just that. But I’ve begun smoking again and patrolling Craigslist daily for a cute, available boy.

I need to realize that I am worthy. I am a knock-out. I can stand on my own two feet. I need to get that single-girl swagger. I am a 25 year old, gorgeous, educated, successful, lovable, funny, newly-single woman and I will not settle. I can do this!

So, here is my pact with myself. I will not date for three months. I will not seek self-worth from outside sources. I will learn to cook. I will concentrate on my friends, on roller derby, on my career, on trying to get into graduate school, and on my writing. I will not be needy. I will not be the pursuer. 

And yanno what? I can do this! I will do this. I will let go, grow up, and move on. I will be okay.