Please excuse me while I stare at your perfect teeth

9d7ca41e6778bcceI am intimidated by gorgeous, clean-cut, successful men, especially ones with good teeth. I rarely date the aforementioned type, choosing, sadly, to date heavily tattooed guys who play Fugazi’s Waiting Room on loop and have cultivated a religion based around hop-y beer. 

I really don’t know what I would do if a George Clooney replica were to ever ask me out. I’d probably just stare reluctantly at his perfectly chiseled chin and and ask about his dentist. I don’t know what we would even talk about. Baking? The stock market? 

The truth is, I don’t think I’m the type to attract pretty boys. I have too many tattoos, I reek of dog (thanks to Brit, who seems to exude stink even if I wash her 3+ times a week), I can’t cook, and I’ve never had a manicure in my life. I think I might be too manly for that type of man. Which is a shame, because my dating habits are starting to go through some epic polar shift. I want to date a nice guy. I want a clean cut boy with a good job and a Honda that I can take home to my mother. I really, really want to date a George Clooney.

But how do I lore one in long enough to show him that I’m an intelligent, capable lady? How do I control my inability to act normal around beautiful people long enough for him to sense that I am not some psychotic shut-in? And, worst of all, where do I meet my potential George Clooney? In a bar? Online? At the dog park?

I have no idea. It’s like I’m an elk hunter and I’m trying to fish for trout except the trout all have Chicklet smiles and man-purses.

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