I am a dating pariah. I swear to God. I suck so much at it that it’s actually become quite humorous to my friends and co-workers. They’ll ask me if the guy ever called me back, and when I manage to utter a weak ‘no’, they start cackling.
This is super bad because I don’t even know what I’m doing wrong. I’ve been on three great first dates and somehow, I have been lucky enough to score second dates with two of the guys. Now, immediately after the second date is when the plane seems to crash face-first into the side of a mountain. The second dates seem to go along well enough. I laugh, they laugh, there is talk of a possible third date. But that third date is like Plato’s unattainable Golden Means for me. It is completely and absolutely elusive. Every time it’s just that stupid, British snot of a woman on my voicemail informing me that “You have no new messages. Nobody is calling you. Not even your own mother.”
I have gone as far as asking a guy exactly what I did wrong. I know this is lame, but I need feedback. One cannot improve until one knows exactly what they are doing incorrectly. Of course, the guy told me I had done nothing wrong and that he would call me tomorrow. You have no new messsages…
My mother says it all goes back to when we all lived in caves and men hunted Wooly Mammoths with rocks. Men, are by nature, hunters. They like to be the aggressors. “Think of it this way,” my mom said, “A lion will chase a roving herd of buffalo. But if the herd comes stampeding toward the lion, they run.”
I guess that could be it. I am a person who goes after what she wants and this is also true of my dating life. I am unable to take a laissez faire approach to dating. I am incapable of sitting by the phone and waiting around for the guy to call me back. I am also incapable of going about my business (work, derby, social life, etc.) and pretend that he does not exist and that the date never happened until he contacts me. If I like you, I will contact you. And I think this is what is ruining my love life: my inability to not contact them.
I think that’s dumb. I think if two people enjoy each other’s company they should be allowed to contact one another. Dating should not be bound to that stupid 1950’s book The Rules that came out like 33 years before I was born. That is old news. If you like somebody, call them. If somebody you like calls you, you shouldn’t run.
Men are dumb. I am even stupider for trying to cheat the “game”. I am a confused panda. A confused, sad panda. I hate dating.